A partial list of the most common terminology found in VitalSmarts training and bestselling books:
- Manage Distance
- Master My Stories
- Move to Action
- Mutual Purpose
- Mutual Respect
- Natural Consequences
- "Or" Thinking
- Personal Motivation Statement
- Pool of Shared Meaning
- Redefine Normal
- Reward Small Wins
- Safety
- Silence vs. Violence
- Six Sources of Influence
- Skill Scan
- Start With Heart
- STATE My Path
- Style Under Stress
- Sucker’s Choice
- Turn Accomplices Into Friends
- Turn Bad Days Into Good Data
- Victim Story
- Villain Story
- Vital Behavior
- Vote Decision
- What and If
- Willpower Trap
- WWWF
- Accomplice
- Add New Friends
- "And" Thinking
- AMPP
- Build Fences
- Clever Story
- Command Decision
- Consensus Decision
- Consult Decision
- Contrasting Statement
- Control Your Space
- Crucial Conversations
- Crucial Confrontations
- Crucial Moment
- CPR
- Default Future
- Deliberate Practice
- Describe the Gap
- Do What You Can’t
- Explore Others’ Paths
- Friend
- Fundamental Attribution Error
- Helpless Story
- Invert the Economy
- Learn to Look
- Left-Hand Column
- Loss Aversion
- Love What You Hate
Accomplice—A person who influences you to start a bad habit and/or stop a good one.
Add New Friends—Find those people who either share your goal or are interested in offering you support.
"And" Thinking—“And” Thinking helps us avoid
making Sucker’s Choices. Instead of feeling confined to choose one
alternative OR avoid its bad consequences, ask yourself how you can
achieve one AND avoid the other.
AMPP—A set of “power listening” skills that
help build safety and encourage the other person to share his or her
meaning. AMPP stands for Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime.
Build Fences—Intractable rules and
decisive actions that make it easier for you to stand up to avoid the
most dangerous, tempting places in your environment.
Clever Story—A story we tell ourselves
when we’re disappointed, threatened, or at risk. The three types of
stories we often tell ourselves are Victim Stories, Villain Stories, and
Helpless Stories.
Command Decision—A decision in which one person decides with no involvement from others.
Consensus Decision—A decision in which everyone must agree to support the decision.
Consult Decision—A decision in which everyone gives input, then a subset of one or more makes the decision.
Contrasting Statement—A tool to address
predictable misunderstandings that could put safety at risk. This is
done by first, imagining what others may erroneously conclude and then
immediately explaining that this is what you don’t mean, followed by your contrasting point—what you do mean.
Control Your Space—The sixth and final
source of influence that specifically addresses structural ability and
surrounding yourself with a supportive physical environment.
Crucial Conversations—A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
Crucial Confrontations—A face-to-face
accountability discussion where someone has disappointed you, and you
talk to him or her directly. When handled well, the problem is resolved
and the relationship benefits.
Crucial Moment—The point in time where the right behavior, if enacted, leads to the results you want.
CPR—The three types of conversations that
can be held around a particular issue: Content (discussing the issue
itself), Pattern (discussing the problem that the issue keeps
recurring), and Relationship (discussing the fact that the issue is
affecting your overall relationship with the other person).
Default Future—The life you’ll live if you continue to behave as you currently are.
Deliberate Practice—Identifying and practicing the skills that will help you stop doing the wrong thing and start doing the right thing.
Describe the Gap—Bringing up a problem involving a disappointment by describing the gap between what you expected and what actually took place.
Do What You Can’t—The second of six
sources influence that specifically addresses personal ability and
learning new skills required to create and sustain change.
Explore Others’ Paths—A skill to help
others stay in dialogue when you notice them moving to silence or
violence. Encourage them to explore their entire Path to Action (see
STATE My Path for more details on how to do this).
Friend—A person who influences you to stop a bad habit and/or start a good one.
Fundamental Attribution Error—The automatic
assumption we often make that the other person’s motives are bad. This
can happen when someone says or does something we think is harmful or
threatening. We immediately attribute bad motive—we tell a villain
story. For example, "They are evil or selfish; they do bad things
because they enjoy it."
Helpless Story—A story we tell
ourselves when we’re disappointed, threatened, or at risk. When we tell
ourselves a helpless story, we make ourselves out to be powerless to do
anything healthy or helpful. We convince ourselves that there are no
healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament.
Invert the Economy—The fifth of six
sources of influence that specifically addresses structural motivation
and rewarding yourself for change as well as punishing yourself for bad
behavior.
Learn to Look—When a conversation turns
crucial, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs. We want
to be able to step out of the content of the conversation and learn to
look for signs that a conversation has become crucial and that safety is
at risk so we can get back to dialogue more quickly.
Left-Hand Column—Chris Argyris, a noted
behavioral psychologist, came up with the idea that people place their
thoughts and feelings in one of two places: their Right-Hand Column or
their Left-Hand Column. The Right-Hand Column is what we do say in the
conversation. The Left-Hand Column includes what we think or feel but
don’t say—the meaning we withhold from the conversation.
Loss Aversion—A person’s tendency to place a higher premium on a loss than a gain.
Love What You Hate—The first of six sources of influence that specifically addresses personal motivation and making the right choices pleasurable.
Manage Distance—Using distance to your advantage by bringing good things close and moving temptations far away.
Master My Stories—A principle that help us
control the emotions that drive our actions. We do this by challenging
the stories we tell ourselves—we ask questions. One such question is
"Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?"
Posing the question is NOT making an assumption that all people are
reasonable, rational, and decent; rather, posing the question IS an
effort to consider other possibilities. This increases the probability
of getting what we really want.
Move to Action—A skill to overcome the
barriers to change. First, decide up front which form of decision making
you’ll be using (Command, Consult, Vote, or Consensus). Then create and
agree on a specific plan. Document Who does What by When and how you’ll
Follow Up (WWWF).
Mutual Purpose—Creating safety by assuring
others that you care about their best interests and goals. More often
than not, your goals will be compatible, but the strategies you
developed to meet these goals are opposing.
Mutual Respect—Creating safety by assuring
others that you care about and respect them, and that your goal is to
solve problems and make things better for both of you.
Natural Consequences—Consequences that occur independent of outside action, and require no authority or power.
"Or" Thinking—"Or" thinking is thinking
that gets us into the rut of a “Sucker’s Choice” (see "And" Thinking).
We believe we can only achieve one of two good outcomes, and there will
be negative consequences either way (e.g., we can either be honest OR we
can be kind).
Personal Motivation Statement—A simple but personally powerful statement successful changers review whenever temptations threaten to overpower them.
Pool of Shared Meaning—Each of us enters a
conversation with our own opinions, feeling, theories, and experiences
about the topic. These make up our personal pool of meaning. When two or
more people enter a crucial conversation, we build a pool of shared
meaning—the more we add of each person’s meaning, the more information
is available to everyone involved and the better the decisions made.
Redefine Normal—Avoid making external
comparisons and using the words "everybody" and "normal" to justify your
unhealthy behavior. Instead, ask yourself who you want to be and how
you want to live and feel.
Reward Small Wins—Instead of attaching
rewards to your ultimate goal, set small action-oriented goals and
reward yourself when you meet one of them.
Safety—Establishing an atmosphere where the
other person in a conversation feels comfortable and free to talk about
or listen to any topic, not matter how sensitive it may be.
Silence vs. Violence—The communication
styles we revert to when we don’t feel safe in open dialogue. Silence is
purposely withholding meaning from the shared pool; it ranges from
playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. Violence is trying
to compel others toward your point of view using tactics like
controlling, labeling, and attacking.
Six Sources of Influence—The six major
categories of influences that drive people to do the things they do are:
Personal Motivation, Personal Ability, Social Motivation, Social
Ability, Structural Motivation, and Structural Ability.
Skill Scan—Identify the skills you need
to learn and the skills you already possess that will you help you
implement your change plan and meet your goals.
Start with Heart—The first principle of
good dialogue is that healthy dialogue starts with your own motives.
Start With Heart means to start with the right motives and stay focused
on what you really want throughout the conversation.
STATE My Path—A set of skills that help you
share difficult feedback or risky meaning. STATE stands for Share your
facts, Tell your story, Ask for others’ paths, Talk tentatively, and
Encourage testing.
Style Under Stress—This is the
communication style you naturally revert to when crucial conversations
start getting tense. Being aware of your own Style Under Stress (whether
it’s silence, violence, or dialogue) will help you guard against your
worst tendencies and either catch problems early or avoid them
altogether.
Sucker’s Choice—These are false dilemmas
that suggest we face only two options (both of them bad), when in fact
we face several choices—some of them good. We suffer from “Or” Thinking.
Turn Accomplices Into Friends—The third
and fourth of six sources of influence that specifically addresses
social motivation and social ability. These sources involve surrounding
yourself with people who encourage positive change (friends) instead of
discouraging your improvement (accomplices).
Turn Bad Days Into Good Data—The ability to
learn from your mistakes and adjust your change plan as you learn about
additional sources of influence that work against you.
Victim Story—A story we tell ourselves
when we’re disappointed, threatened, or at risk. When we tell ourselves a
victim story, we exaggerate our own innocence. We intentionally ignore
the role we have played in the problem and tell our story in a way that
avoids whatever we have done (or neglected to do) that might have
contributed to the problem.
Villain Story—A story we tell ourselves
when we’re disappointed, threatened, or at risk. When we tell ourselves
a villain story, we overemphasize the other person’s guilt. We
automatically assume the worst possible motives while ignoring any
possible good or neutral intentions a person may have.
Vital Behavior—A high-leverage action that, if routinely enacted, will lead to the results you want.
Vote Decision—A decision in which all have a voice, but the majority rules.
What and If—The first principle of Crucial
Confrontations™: problems come at us so rapidly and unannounced that
we’re often caught by surprise. As a result, we move too quickly or
become emotional and choose the wrong problem to address. To break this
habit, we have to slow down, unbundle the problem into its components,
and then choose What and If (what problem we’ll address, and if we
should bring it up).
Willpower Trap—The incorrect assumption
that the only reason (among many possible reasons) we fail to make good
choices is our lack of willpower.
WWWF—Once you’ve diagnosed the root cause
of a problem, it’s time to move to action and resolve it. Do this by
creating and agreeing on a specific plan. Determine WWWF: Who does What
by When and how you’ll Follow up.
Source:Internet
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